Check up ….

2 Feb

Hello there

So I went to the DR. I was with him for all of 5 MINS. he took my history. I swear he could have a machine asking the questions. Any diabetes ? any cancer ? any toilet problems ? libido ? etc etc he wrote funny . He started off on the right hand side of the page and wrote till the bottom then started on the left . weird huh. Blood pressure check – ok – perfect in fact 120 over 80. That’s PERFECT !

Thanks now go to the nurse.

Nurse says could you possibly give me a sample of urine. Could I ? Man at the best of times – even when I JUST get off the loo I could give you a sample. If you wanna bucket, now’s the time She takes me to the loo. gotta leave the kidney shaped bowl on top of the closed lid. Done.

Off to another room. Take out your lenses. A glaucoma test – huh ? do my eyes influence my ass ? No problem. No I don’t need a mirror. I have been doing this for 27 years. At night . In the dark. No mirror required. Poof – a silly little blow of an instrument in my eye. Can’t tell you how big the instrument was, or what colour it was. I.m blind remember.

So – here we go. The real test is about to begin. A stress ECG. yay – and noone bothered to tell me. No-one mentioned that they were about to put me to the test. That they were about to strap me to a machine and ask my poor heart to get to its MAXIMUM heart rate to see how I do. No-one said – don’t go to gym an hour before and do a heavy hour session cos they gonna push you till your heart is pounding faster than it should ! Never the less. I cooperate. I ‘m gonna show this nurse that I am a winner. That I may be fat , but i am fit . Yes , fit and fat ! So 158 is the target. 158 beats a minute. That is 2.66 beats a second. I can get there, but its gonna take a while. I know cos I go to gym everyday and i know my maximum heart rate is about 140 to 150. After that I think I Would die But height and age says I gotta get to 158.

So she starts. Off slowly. Explaining to me about the treadmill like I never stood on one before. Let alone that I, in the preceeding hour, had already pushed the little blood pump.

“Geez, you’re gonna make me sweat ” she muttered. No, lady I am sweating. In the outfit I have to go and see a client in in about 30 minutes. 5 Mins. By now the gradient is on 14. It’s more like rock climbing than treading. 130. It’s still quite a few beats from 158. Come on heart – give a little here. She speeds it up. “Let’s see how that goes” she almost smirks. I start to run. That’ll work . 150. 152. 150. 153. 153.152. 154.152.156.152.154.155.156. “ok that’s great”

Guess I had reached my time limit on the treadmill. Next client please !

Off to the bone density room. Wishing i had deodorant in my bag. As I walk behind her, the sweat is making the saying ” today was a waste of make-up” a reality.

I sit. Quietly whilst she spreads what can ONLY be described as KY jelly all over my ankles. “mmmm” “Now, let’s see if what I suspect is true ”
” Is that a good expectation or bad ?” I mutter.
“well, I think you will top the scales here”
OK Mrs Nurse. Is that a good thing or a bad thing ?
Topping the scales is normally a bad thing. I do that, that’s why I am here.
click, click, and double click on the mouse and vrrrrrrrrrrrrrr up comes a scale.
“As I expected” she triumphantly pats herself on the back.
“142%”
So, Mrs Nurse. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
“Very, very good” “You are so strong I can’t imagine you ever breaking anything” ( Does breaking your toe a zillion times not count then ?)

So there we go. Check up time over.

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2 Responses to “Check up ….”

  1. mugsbigsis 3 February, 2009 at 12:06 am #

    LOL My goodness, Sam. Here, those tests would have been in 3 separate appointments! You win! :O)

  2. geekgirl415 2 April, 2009 at 7:32 am #

    Seriously, is it their way of having fun? Not telling you ahead of time to dress for physical exertion? It seems that everyone gets a surprise treadmill romp and always before some important meeting. 🙂

    Glad it’s over with!

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